Moving…

I don’t want to lose what I have posted here, so I am not deleting this blog. But, because I am technology retarded, I honestly don’t understand what I read about relocating the it, so I have decided to start a new one. I’m sure it’s the right decision. There’s always a story, but I’m not going there. It’s a matter of trust. The few of you that have been interested enough to follow along, I thank you. I am happy to give you the new info.

Like I said, I’m not deleting, and perhaps I will post here from time to time. Thanks in advance for not asking.

Let the Weekend Begin

Thursday is actually one of my favorite days. After putting my last child on the bus for school, I make the hour drive to see my hypnotherapist. The drive isn’t always pleasant, but it’s worth it. Today it’s raining, so blah. But it’s better than snow.

Today he and I were going to listen to that Michael Sealy session on detachment from over-thinking, but since I didn’t find it at all helpful, perhaps we will do our own hypnosis session. It’s hard to say. There have been times we planned a particular session and for various reasons didn’t follow through. Usually this was because yet another drastic event took place. This time though, there is only one change. I’m not struggling with it the same as I have others, so I think it’s a good possibility for today.

This doctor! I love him. I always leave his office a little lighter. Even when the feeling goes away quicker than I want it to, I am always reminded that he cares about me. He believes in me.

He could have manipulated my mind and not allowed me to go through the struggle I have fought so hard to overcome. At first, I was angry that he didn’t. But I understand why.

The things that led me to absolute brokenness would have still affected me, because I would have only taken away the present symptom of my sadness. Um…same as medication. That’s not what I needed. Even if he had turned my sadness into a busted give a damn and the tears no longer fell over that situation, I would still not be better. I would still have all the other issues that were so deeply rooted that I would have only focused my sadness somewhere else.

Sure, if he thought I couldn’t recover with what he was teaching me, he probably would have done it. And I’m very lucky that unlike some doctors in the mental health field, he cared about me getting better from the inside out, from my core.

I’m running short on time and am sure to to type more later, but have a great day just in case 😊

I’m the Needle in the Fire

What the?

I have something amazing.

I have a powerful, thought provoking visual for you to interpret. There is no “wrong answer”. There is only what you make of it.

Take 2 identical tea light candles. You will light the first one as is. But the second one, before you light it, put a needle through the wick about half way between the tip of the wick and the top of the candle . Light the candles at the same time.

Watch as in the beginning they seem to melt the same. A puddle of wax will form in the center, no doubt.

After a short time, however, you will notice that the candles are no longer melting the same way.

As the needle heats up in the fire, it begins to melt the wax beneath it.

I am the needle in the flame…the needle of fire.

“The First 3Days are the Hardest”

That’s what they say about everything. Today is day number 3 since the decision was forcefully imposed to cease communication with my ex-boyfriend.

My OCD wants me to start considering it is the same idea as what relationship experts recommend…the no contact rule. But that isn’t what this is. If I don’t get my thinking property lined up, and I am in for a heck ride later.

I felt like crying last night. But surprisingly, I didn’t. At first, I thought “huh. I made it through the day without a tear”. I did my meditation as usual and peacefully slept through the night. This morning, however, I woke up, and in true “me” fashion, I checked my messages to see if he had decided to contact me. Of course, he didn’t..he blocked me for goodness sake…is there anything more obvious to say I never want to talk to you again? I knew that, but it’s been a habit for the last few years.

This is the first time in over 3 years…closer to 4, that I have gone more than 36 hours without talking to him. It’s hard.

Logically I know that the hurt will pass. Logically, I know that love doesn’t do this. Last week he told me he loves me. But he lied. People do it everyday. But lying about love…well…I just don’t understand it. Maybe it’s because I spent so much time not having it that it means so much more to me.

When I think logically, I can remind myself that HE is not what I am missing. It’s WHAT he brought to my life for a time. HE is the one who has made the choice. I had no control. He gave me no choice. He decided for me. He has decided many things for me these past 13+ months. And while I have done some awful things emotionally, and I do mean AWFUL, he has done the same. Not because he walked in the darkness I walked, but because it was fun to see the way I would react. It was an ego boost, it was a power I gave him. I gave him power over me. THAT is a choice I made.

You see, it doesn’t really matter what the depression did to me. I still had a choice. No, I didn’t realize it at the time. Until I met my hypnotherapist, and for some time after, I honestly didn’t think I could recover.

Although the truth sometimes hurts, I bought a lot of this on myself. No, I’m not condemning myself. I truthfully didn’t understand that I could get better. Medication may have eased some of the symptoms, but because it was a problem that medication alone couldn’t fix, while I may have sent 50 messages a day instead of 100, not a lot would have been different. I had an attitude problem. A victim mindset. Am I a victim? Hell yeah, of many things. But most of all I am a victim of myself.

So what am I going to do? Well, I would like to claim that with a single meditation session or prayer I will be all better, but little in life is that easy. Right now, while I am sad, I am not suffering from depression. I am not crying, I’m not hopeless and I am not struggling to function or make it through the day. I am going through the process of healing.

This blog has been a great way to express myself without having to rehash every detail of what’s going on inside of me. Just like crying is the physical release, so is typing this blog. And I can reflect on what I say here at any time. I can remind myself what I know to be true. I have the ability to utilize what I have learned to ease the burden of pain. It’s not easy. It’s simple. These are 2 very different things.

Before I decided to help myself and dove into the meditation and hypnosis, I read some interesting things about retraining your brain to change the way you looked at someone who had hurt you. I could, if i chose, make myself feel anger and dislike for him. It seems on the surface that could benefit me greatly right now. But it’s not me. It’s not how I was made. And I don’t want that kind of bitterness in my life.

No. I will be me, the way I was made. I will get through this time. I will do it the right way. I can’t change that I love him. I can’t change that he has made this choice.And I can’t change that it’s out of my control. I can know that people who have had worse things happen made it, and are now living happy, peaceful lives.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to get through day 3. And then I am going to start another “first 3 days”. The next first 3 phase will be not blogging about him. I’m sure I can find something else to type about. I always have something on my mind.

As for day number 3 of no communicative outlet, well….I will take it as it comes. Right now I feel okay. But it’s likely sadness will come. If necessary, I will face that a minute at a time.

I did a very brief meditation this morning. I may take a moment after finishing this to do another. Not because I need to calm down, but because I know I need to stay centered. And I need to focus on positivity. I need to set my intentions and mentally prepare myself for the random OCD thoughts that will try to distract me.

I need to be proactive in my continued healing. I realize that my OCD still has a hold on me to a certain extent. But it can only grow in power if I let it. I am no expert, but I have the tools I need to take control of my thoughts, even if only a minute at a time. It’s an ongoing process. But as much progress as I have made, I know that I….in and of myself….do have the ability, the right, and the responsibility to get better.

Here’s to getting through the third day, and the 3 day phase to come…🍸

Legally Armed but Not so Dangerous….YET

So, I have this date one day this coming weekend. I have only mentioned it 20 times. But on top of the stupid OCD stuff like being a disappointment to his expectations, I have also considered my own safety.

My oldest son is an adult. I showed him a picture of the man I an meeting and he instructed me to consider how to protect myself. Without putting out the details, I will definitely be armed. Every line of defense I will possess physically is entirely legal. But more than what I will be carrying with me, he wanted me to be prepared with some basic self defense.

He showed me a couple moves and in theory, walked me through a couple scenarios.

Throughout the week, him and I will be working on this, along with the help of his friend, a very large and well trained martial arts expert.

I don’t have myself diluted into thinking I will be an expert, but I will go with a little more flair knowing I have a little know how.

WOW 😲! That was fast! I took a break from blogging and was talking to my son about my new tv. As my son and I were talking, his friend called. He told him about my date. Done deal. We set up to have a little lesson tomorrow evening. But when he found out I was traveling to the area I was, I got the big “oh hell no mama, not unless I go with you!” This young man has no intention of letting me go anywhere near the area and insisted that I reconsider to meeting half way. After a few minutes of discussion, I concur. I have to keep myself safe.

So number 3 may not want to meet anymore, but it’s alright. My adopted son is right. I cannot go to such a dangerous place and if number 3 doesn’t want to meet in the middle, I should count him out. He may be fine with that. I haven’t talked to him yet. Going to meet him was my idea, to keep the distance until I know a little more about him, but with what I just learned, I’m not so willing anymore. So, we’ll see. I’m not going to stress it.

It’s wonderful to have such a good young man who looks out for me. He has offered his protection to me in more ways than one. He even offered to sit outside in the parking lot of any location, and keep an eye on me. Not because he owes it to me or my son, but because he loves me as his own mama, and just like my own son, he wants me to be safe.

And it’s sad for him, but good for me that he knows these areas that I don’t. He lived where I was supposed to meet this guy, and I have no question that if he says I am unsafe there, that it’s the truth and I have no business there.

I am still going to get a little self-defense going, and if I spend my weekend at home, I will do it knowing if number 3 had been a good option, I’d be having dinner with him instead.

Well, I have to say that no matter what the weekend brings, I am a very blessed woman.

 

Surviving the Eye of the Storm

My emotions can be, and have been, just like a hurricane. I spent a year in one of the darkest places. It was a depression like I have NEVER known. When peace finally came to me, I knew that it was finally over. But when the ex blocked all conversation the other day, it seemed like all hell had once again broken loose with relentless fury.

Sunday was rough. Yesterday was excessive torture. But I did what I said I was going to do. I prayed, I meditated, I breathed, and I kept myself composed. And, I cried. I cried a good while over the last two days.

What I realized when I woke up this morning was that these last couple/few months were only the eye of the storm. Things are pretty bad right now. Well, at the moment, it’s more of a heartbreaking peace, but I am certain it’s not over yet.

Last night was particularly bad. I went to bed, cried, said a prayer and did a meditation. I woke at 1:30 this morning. I responded to a couple texts and on the verge of tears, did another meditation. At 5:30, another one. Quite honestly, I wish I could spend time there 24/7 right now.

Of course, while I can’t lay in bed or sit in a chair 24/7 right now, I can try to keep my mind clear and remember that feeling. I can try, and I do mean try, to accept and put out good energy. So much of our emotional lives is based on what energy we put out there. And I am putting my best foot forward to make sure I don’t fall into the OCD trap that has plagued me so long and kept depression right on my doorstep.

I will obsess at times, but I understand it well enough, and have the tools, should I think to use them, to redirect my thinking. When unwanted thoughts come, I should, for the most part, be able to handle the situation and set it aside. When sadness comes, I know that I have to let it pass. I can be sad. I’m a woman who loved him very deeply. Sadness, and getting passed it, is a necessary evil.

With the eye of the storm gone and being hit by the storm’s awesome power full force again, I can be comforted knowing it really is almost over.

Most people would say it’s silly, even stupid to give thought to a man that abandoned you, confused you, built up your hopes and then stomped on them with utter disregard. I say it that while it is weakness, it is also strength. My love remained true. I never wavered. Even now, I love him.

I cannot replace him. And I don’t want to. I want his good qualities, but not the game. I know he loved me once, but I deserve more than the idea that someone loved me and in the end still purposely tried to “re break” me, someone who left when I needed them most, and left me drowning in and choking on my own tears.

What I put him through was awful. I can never deny it. And while I try to take the blame and not point out his part, what he put me through was equally damaging. And right now, I need to remind myself of that fact. I need to remind myself of things I don’t care to share. I don’t want to obsess on these negative truths. I just need to remind myself when the sadness tries to stay longer than necessary.

The storm is almost over. Thank you, Jesus. I’m going to survive it!